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hexmixhad a vet appt for Frankie early this morning, which meant only getting 2hrs of sleep due to how late i typically go to bed. anyway did eventually crash a few hrs back & took a lil nap, but displeased with the reminder that i can't get away with functioning on that little sleep anymore. genuinely the one thing that's forcing me to admit my age, which is another reason to be all >:( about it lmao.
anyway, literally one of the most toxic things to see as a 'positive' but i was genuinely proud of how well i could function on such little sleep. did that shit for ten years and it was a nasty fuckign situation that no one should have to put up with & should seriously question if they find themselves in (heads up: no job is worth spending half a year averaging 3hrs of sleep a night) but like at the same time i still do find myself using that as the measurement for how much effort/energy i'm putting into something, as if it's at all sustainable (it isn't; i nearly killed myself doing it when i was in my 20s, let alone trying to now).
it's one thing to intellectually know 'depriving yourself of sleep is bad and is in no way indicative of how much you care/how hard you can work/how much more serious you are than everyone else' and another to internalize it tho, especially having spent 10+ years living like that. even harder when people have told you things like how "strong" you are for having done so/being able to do so.
so i'm trying to rewire that part of my brain, but it's very difficult. not just bc of the mindset but bc it is distressing to have a "i used to be able to do this and now i can't" moment about anything, even if it's "function while distressingly sleep deprived" lol.
anyway, griping aside, some actual good news: Frankie's doing okay. we're still in the palliative care stage, but the prednisone is so far still working & the vet said the pica was a normal side effect of it, which is exactly what i'd assumed but always nice to have the confirmation. important thing is that she's still doing so much better than she was in March. she'll go back in two months for another check-up but a big HECK YEAH for now.
anyway, literally one of the most toxic things to see as a 'positive' but i was genuinely proud of how well i could function on such little sleep. did that shit for ten years and it was a nasty fuckign situation that no one should have to put up with & should seriously question if they find themselves in (heads up: no job is worth spending half a year averaging 3hrs of sleep a night) but like at the same time i still do find myself using that as the measurement for how much effort/energy i'm putting into something, as if it's at all sustainable (it isn't; i nearly killed myself doing it when i was in my 20s, let alone trying to now).
it's one thing to intellectually know 'depriving yourself of sleep is bad and is in no way indicative of how much you care/how hard you can work/how much more serious you are than everyone else' and another to internalize it tho, especially having spent 10+ years living like that. even harder when people have told you things like how "strong" you are for having done so/being able to do so.
so i'm trying to rewire that part of my brain, but it's very difficult. not just bc of the mindset but bc it is distressing to have a "i used to be able to do this and now i can't" moment about anything, even if it's "function while distressingly sleep deprived" lol.
anyway, griping aside, some actual good news: Frankie's doing okay. we're still in the palliative care stage, but the prednisone is so far still working & the vet said the pica was a normal side effect of it, which is exactly what i'd assumed but always nice to have the confirmation. important thing is that she's still doing so much better than she was in March. she'll go back in two months for another check-up but a big HECK YEAH for now.
